Fidelity

Dear Best friend
I think i loved you
But you broke me
Now I cant have you
I am in pain
But you never cared to
Check up on me the way I do
Tearing inside
I lost countless people
I just can’t lose you
But you hurt me
So now i am lost to  you
Is it worth to lose you
Now I am stronger? 
And you lost me too
I am harder
So now, I cant toy with you
The way you toyed with me
To steal my virtue

Death 2.0

To what do I owe pleasure, Grim Reaper?

Or Death sounds like a better name

You take away the pain eternally

Create emptiness in their stead

 

Do you feel empty?

Do you feel indifferent?

Perhaps this question gives the answer I seek

Perhaps respecting for the lost is all I need

 

Sitting in a place of my sins

I wonder if there is any time left

For the tides to settle down at lost

Is this a pending matter or just not at all.

Death

Idle, lonely, broke maybe?
I have many matters at hand
Then another one steps into cohorts
Expecting a smooth reaction…

Cancerous is the state of mind
Toxic is the silence
Withholding pain from your loved ones
Never goes as well as you planned…

Maybe, I should learn to stop
I can stop my mind from wandering
Dominoes Effect has to stop! 
Stagnent piercing in my heart 

Matter Of My Mind

I learn to study culture
Yet I have no certains answers
To the way silence precedes us
How I run away from problems
Layer them up beneath us
Truth to be told,
I am worried of Earthquakes
They push things right back up
Catastrophe ahead – abrupt
And now we are no more
How the world wanted to bind us
The silence is meant to be
There are unkempt bills to be revealed
Yet I feel estranged – bewildered
How the fate has relieved us.
I do not know how –
I just let my emotions flow
My tears are mixed up like my mind
I hoped to go off track
Out of my mind

Finding Inner Peace

You think this is a facade
My apparent smiling face
But it is just a distraction
Distraction from what is at stake
I am afraid of love
I am afraid of being betrayed
I am afraid of loss
I am afraid of purity
I am afraid my emotion cloud my judgment
But who am I anymore ?
While I sit here reading my notes
I sit and wonder whether I could have
Less confusion and less emotions – so
Let me be clear –
I love you
But I am afraid it is not meant to be
My fears control my judgment now
And therefore I am making a mess
A mess of what you made
And now here I am
Sleepless
Unfocused
Desperate for redemption
Trying to cry so I can fall asleep at night
Trying to let me emotions under control
So I can salvage what I have done wrong
So I can help myself be a better girl
A better Daughter
Just Better

Disagree to Agree

I sit here, alone;
My home is  my paradise.
When uncertainty comes
Knocking on my door step:
I am soon to burst!
I spill and empty the cup.

Now? I sit here, alone still 
Listening to sappy songs
I am glad it’s all over
I may have lost a dear friend
But I am peaceful and content.
We never fit together anyway.
( I am sorry it happened this way) 

Schooling with CigarettesĀ 

I try to keep out;
Keep myself out of your head
I need my cigarettes –
I sit here,sick and hurt.
Everything is soon to change.
Yet I sleep on the floor
Feeling close to trash
Weeping and wallowing!
My love is oblivious…
I have to let him be.

Years of friendship…
Years of otherworldly pains…
My love for him is not the same…
Nights pass by streamlessly
And I am changing slowly.
Then the unexpected
Takes me back into insecurity…
Give me back who I am!
I am tired and I am toast –
Indecisiveness upsets me most.

A Lonely Sunday

I want to learn to surf
Drift outlandishly by Portugal Waves
Play with the wind
Sift through the Stars at Sun’s demise
But only with you.
You?
You are distant, unobtainable
You make all my frowns, a delight!
You make my morals spin round
Now you’re gone
Home to Solitude
Lonesome in thought…

Maybe I should be in doubt
That you are seldom distraught
What ridicules do I answer,
When you have left me
Waiting without anyone to banter!
My cat purrs in anticipation
While I stay awake
Distracting myself –
With Self-Regulation and the Brain
Waiting for a momentum;
Waiting for the piano to quiet down
Deep beneath…

I predict silent waves
With a crow knocking on my window pane

Untitled

I write incomplete poems
I stopped singing my favourite songs
I started sleeping early at nights
I study instead of hike

It feels like a major change
There is yet trouble with what’s at stake
My labels turned oblivious blurred lines
I cannot find love with a single pint

I seek opportunities, not endearment
I am learning to accept, finding fault in self
I prefer lonesome ponders
Yet I let my mind wander

Is there a point to this poem
Or is it a cry to reckon what is wreaked ?
It has to be time to move on;
I fathom to let my mind be in debt

Vacation

I am driving around mountains
Hilltops and Frozen Lakes
The sun is strong
and it burns through me
I am vulnerable now
I have been cut open
All my emotions have stepped out
Six months ago I was a different person
Today I am nobody.
I try to be everybody.
Six Months ago you were here.
Every month I shed a tear for you
Every month I indulge myself
Indulge myself into trouble
Now I walk aimlessly
I go to lonesome ponders
Pray for my survival
Pray for my unbecoming
Pray for my destiny
To not lead to you
And yet I shed a tear
that day of the month
That last day you told me to leave
I am watching pebble towers now
I watch a frozen river and magpies
I watch soldiers pass by
Here I think,
do I have a definitive purpose
Like you did when I let myself go
Now I like the solidarity
Now I like being sad and beaten
I let others beat me
That’s what you taught me
You taught me to enjoy the pain
The pain of suffering
And I let others suffer because of me
My lips are numb
My head is numb
My heart is numb
I am stone cold now
I am no more young.