Suicidal Whims

I wait for a new answer
Every night try to sleep; I question myself:
Shall I live to strive all my hurt alone or
Shall I confess my sins and save my soul?

From the bloodshed that pours out my mouth
I try so hard to stray, stray away my him,
But my mind falters and no one else satisfies
What did I had with him, for him and without him?

I wait! Has my heart has lost hope or
Is it him, that does not seem to tell me what he thinks?
Was all this just a mirage, momentary lapse?
Was all this just a lie to begin with?

I cannot refuse to walk away from my questions,
But my body is numb, numb from staying away from him
Here I am beating myself to heartache
Here I am, trying to win myself over these late night debates.

How can I move forward from all my wasted attempts
I cannot expect and therefore I do not withdraw
But if lying to myself is getting me nowhere,
I hope that life shall get by without me staying in.

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