Finding Inner Peace

You think this is a facade
My apparent smiling face
But it is just a distraction
Distraction from what is at stake
I am afraid of love
I am afraid of being betrayed
I am afraid of loss
I am afraid of purity
I am afraid my emotion cloud my judgment
But who am I anymore ?
While I sit here reading my notes
I sit and wonder whether I could have
Less confusion and less emotions – so
Let me be clear –
I love you
But I am afraid it is not meant to be
My fears control my judgment now
And therefore I am making a mess
A mess of what you made
And now here I am
Sleepless
Unfocused
Desperate for redemption
Trying to cry so I can fall asleep at night
Trying to let me emotions under control
So I can salvage what I have done wrong
So I can help myself be a better girl
A better Daughter
Just Better

Disagree to Agree

I sit here, alone;
My home is  my paradise.
When uncertainty comes
Knocking on my door step:
I am soon to burst!
I spill and empty the cup.

Now? I sit here, alone still 
Listening to sappy songs
I am glad it’s all over
I may have lost a dear friend
But I am peaceful and content.
We never fit together anyway.
( I am sorry it happened this way) 

Schooling with Cigarettes 

I try to keep out;
Keep myself out of your head
I need my cigarettes –
I sit here,sick and hurt.
Everything is soon to change.
Yet I sleep on the floor
Feeling close to trash
Weeping and wallowing!
My love is oblivious…
I have to let him be.

Years of friendship…
Years of otherworldly pains…
My love for him is not the same…
Nights pass by streamlessly
And I am changing slowly.
Then the unexpected
Takes me back into insecurity…
Give me back who I am!
I am tired and I am toast –
Indecisiveness upsets me most.

A Lonely Sunday

I want to learn to surf
Drift outlandishly by Portugal Waves
Play with the wind
Sift through the Stars at Sun’s demise
But only with you.
You?
You are distant, unobtainable
You make all my frowns, a delight!
You make my morals spin round
Now you’re gone
Home to Solitude
Lonesome in thought…

Maybe I should be in doubt
That you are seldom distraught
What ridicules do I answer,
When you have left me
Waiting without anyone to banter!
My cat purrs in anticipation
While I stay awake
Distracting myself –
With Self-Regulation and the Brain
Waiting for a momentum;
Waiting for the piano to quiet down
Deep beneath…

I predict silent waves
With a crow knocking on my window pane

Untitled

I write incomplete poems
I stopped singing my favourite songs
I started sleeping early at nights
I study instead of hike

It feels like a major change
There is yet trouble with what’s at stake
My labels turned oblivious blurred lines
I cannot find love with a single pint

I seek opportunities, not endearment
I am learning to accept, finding fault in self
I prefer lonesome ponders
Yet I let my mind wander

Is there a point to this poem
Or is it a cry to reckon what is wreaked ?
It has to be time to move on;
I fathom to let my mind be in debt

Vacation

I am driving around mountains
Hilltops and Frozen Lakes
The sun is strong
and it burns through me
I am vulnerable now
I have been cut open
All my emotions have stepped out
Six months ago I was a different person
Today I am nobody.
I try to be everybody.
Six Months ago you were here.
Every month I shed a tear for you
Every month I indulge myself
Indulge myself into trouble
Now I walk aimlessly
I go to lonesome ponders
Pray for my survival
Pray for my unbecoming
Pray for my destiny
To not lead to you
And yet I shed a tear
that day of the month
That last day you told me to leave
I am watching pebble towers now
I watch a frozen river and magpies
I watch soldiers pass by
Here I think,
do I have a definitive purpose
Like you did when I let myself go
Now I like the solidarity
Now I like being sad and beaten
I let others beat me
That’s what you taught me
You taught me to enjoy the pain
The pain of suffering
And I let others suffer because of me
My lips are numb
My head is numb
My heart is numb
I am stone cold now
I am no more young.

Love

The ties that lead us to where we are
Defines us to become who we want to be
It is seldom the time to conquer life
Perhaps, that is what we all need.

The tides may play the tricks
It may fool us for the need to be free
There is nothing binding us but lies
Please do not let them define thee.

You have come too far to lie to her
You have dragged yourself to mockery
Yet there is a someone who knows you
Enough to blind herself to your need.

Waiting is hard and the trust falters
Yet you lead yourself to dawn and leave
Silence winds with blow you kisses
Remind you who you truely strive to be.

Self Appreciation

How seldom I stay awake
Leaving myself wondering whether
I made a terrible mistake.

I have given it a deep thought;
I stay awake finding ways to
Lose myself in self inflicting ache.

Time passed by; gave me strength
to tolerate more hard waves
That tend to come my way.

Then, I find myself in a crying state
A sudden answer to all doubts at stake,
I am finally, a polished make!

Ode To Those Who Left Me 

Leaving abruptly with just a word or two,
rendered me speechless,adhered me to
Search within the past for answers ;
Blaming myself for the silence that haunts us.
I only ask for understanding.
Understanding that you are here for me;
Respect that I cannot give at time,
Times where blood is against me…

You assess your role and worth in mine 
While I determine our next location to go.
Then, the sudden change of heart and
Suddenly you are out of my threshold. 
Is it me who is weak ?
Or is it your cowardice,
that is afraid to hurt me ?
Nights pass by as you stay away from me.
Days go by while I await your honesty.

Imaginary Him 

How I wonder every sleepless night
That passed me by
You promised you would never leave me;
Please never leave my lonely side. 
I am hearing the silence sing
Sour symphonies, telling me 
Its just a stupid whim.
I never have to breathe again
because you have consumed me
you have made me a limp.
These stories that you left me with
Have taken control of my mind
And my own will from within.